Last night I had a dream that a good friend had successfully convinced me to join an indoor soccer league. I was initially quite skeptical, because I don't play soccer, and it was the middle of summer - why indoors, then?? I don't know. Instead of playing soccer, we were actually playing American football. We were throwing, punting, catching, instead of all the usual soccer-y stuff (like fake-chasing the ball, which I was looking forward to). Instead of using a regular football, we played with a bag of Cool Ranch flavored Doritos. I was really concerned, not so much that the bag would break, but that the delicious pieces inside would be embarrassingly too tiny to eat in front of my team once the game concluded. I like a large, stable chip for a more dainty ingestion.

As I looked down the gymnasium's field, with a disgruntled look in order to feign concern, a member of my team looked me in the eye and mouthed "go long." I recognized him right away as Mark Wahlberg:



He threw the bag of Cool Ranch Doritos; I caught it, and jumped into a purple hula-hoop with some guidance from my team. I woke up WHILE making this awesome leap, barely preventing my feet from going through a full-length mirror.

The message in this dream? Don't trust a Wahlberg! Any of them... even if they're holding goods you might want to eat someday...