Oh Tyra, you so crazy. It just never stops. Her compulsive need to just BE HERSELF makes me slightly jealous, I'll admit. By the age of 24, I carefully learned that some behaviour, albeit fun, needs to either stop or evolve into something more appropriate. Things like, taking off your pants in public or wearing hawaiian shirts. See, Tyra still merrily takes her pants off, and then suggests that young girls do the same. It goes beyond just BEING YOURSELF. There's being yourself, which for me involves short periods of time where I stop myself from saying sorry when strangers bump into me. Or by politely informing telemarketers that no, Jennifer Phillips isn't home right now, but I would be more than happy to pass along the special information on a new long distance service in her area. Tyra's need to 'be herself' has elicited many strange things in the past 10 cycles of America's Next Top Model. After repeated, unabashed critiques (see photo above), these young girls often scream hysterically in Tyra's presence, especially when she gestures emphatically towards her cleavage and refers to them as "her babies." Tyra has turned me into a believer that Stockholm Syndrome is in fact possible on a larger scale. Her behaviour is more akin to vomiting into a jar a few times in a row, and then serving that drink to your friends, and ignoring them when they tell you it's horrible and they want to go home, and then opening up vomit stands in select locations where your friends just might happen to walk by. That's what Tyra does to me every Wednesday night.

I make a mean burrito... thought I'd turn it into a side business for some extra cash:

Estelle Getty is dead. And I'm pretty sad about it. Like, I saw the video on YouTube of the guy crying, and instead of reacting in a rational 'what the fuck is this loser all about' way, I started crying too.

Being somewhat of a GG fan, I recently completed the Rue McClanahan autobio, My First Five Husbands... and the ones who got away, and without a hint of irony, I loved it. Apparently Estelle Getty suffered from Lewy Body dementia while working on the show, and had to have cue cards.

The cue card situation forced writers to develop longer monologues for Sophia, so she could have adequate screen time, thus developing her character into this story-telling wizard. Man, that lady could tell the S off any story. She was fantastic.

Needless to say, the show was edited just so, and you can't really (*really*) notice the cue card reading...

The wonderful thing about Estelle Getty is the fact that she became famous while struggling through the early stages of this horrible condition. She was already suffering, and her work was also suffering. Instead of simply being replaced or reduced to a minor character, the writers chose to accommodate her, thus leaving us with a legacy of anecdotes that, no matter what, will always be funny. Always. Let's not only mourn her passing, but the passing of this somewhat 'golden' age of television sitcom writing.

I believe it is now time for some cheesecake.

HATCHER CROTCH MAY CURE EMPHYSEMA, OTHER AILMENTS

Scientists have recently discovered a possible link between the rate of recovery in emphysema patients with viewing frequency of the popular 1989 movie "Tango and Cash." The specific scene in the study, where Terri Hatcher picks up a set of drumsticks and plays the electronic drums while wearing an extremely high-waisted bodysuit thong, has proven to have a beneficial effect for a variety of ailments. Everything from acne to zolarisis has shown some degree of improvement with regular viewing.

In this preliminary stage of research, scientists are unable to pinpoint the exact correlation between spandex and lung disease, however, an explanation will be forthcoming. Many outside the scientific community believe there to be a religious connotation with Ms. Hatcher's big hair and thriving pelvis; however, others in the Church are skeptical.

I'M CRAZY FOR LESBIANS

What exactly is Light Pollution?

I recently went to Seaworld. The awesome-ness of it stemmed from the fact that it's owned by Amheiser-Busch, meaning they have a brewery right on the grounds. And brewery means beer tour, which means 'tasting-area', which means unlimited free beer. We all know that nothing makes a day more perfect than hot, sunny weather, looking at whales, and drinking free, tasty, beer. Not only was I afforded free, tasty beer, but the luxury of walking around the park, beer in hand. I don't understand liquour laws at all. I mean, the US seems so much more conservative in other ways (older drinking age, for one), but then there are mysterious and uncommon exceptions, like the fact that you can drink alcohol ANYWHERE at Seaworld.

Okay, on to the whale & dolphin show. This is the big show of the day. It takes place in a huge outdoor auditorium, not unlike the one found in Marineland. I haven't been to Marineland in years, so I was immediately shocked by the 'modernness' of the whole set-up. They had giant, mobile LCD screens, and a soundsystem that would knock the socks off anyone with ears.

When the show started, we were immediately welcomed with an all-American salute to the troops in Afghanistan. Those involved with the Armed Forces were welcome to stand up, and be applauded for approximately 7 minutes. We then had a quick 20-minute moment of silence. I was, of course, the only one laughing. I can't even hold it in for Nov. 11th, and I actually understand the importance of Remembrance Day. This was difficult. It's the typical I know I'm not supposed to laugh so it's exceptionally hard not to laugh thing.

The show wasn't just about killer whales jumping out and spinning and kissing people above the water. It had a story, (thanks to the 20 foot LCD screens) and here's how that story goes:

A black-and-white video begins of a young boy paddling a kayak out to sea. He sees a killer whale and immediately, exhibits a look of calm, but perplexed interest. He knows what he is destined to do.

Cue inspirational music. I thing the lyrics were, "Open your heart. Shine like a sundance. Open your mind. Shine like the sun!!!"

Have a look:




The story continued:
The young boy paddles back to land. He immediately carves a small whale-tail out of wood. He attaches the tail to a string and wears it around his neck.

The main human in the show was a burly dude with a beard and a wetsuit painted like a killer whale. I will call him Hank. He brought a young boy from the audience up to the microphone. Hank asked what the boy's name was, and where he was from, and then he asked him if he had a dream.

The boy said his name (can't remember it), that he was from Alberta (I cheered WAY too loudly and then commented "it's basically AMERICA"). And then he said he wanted to be an actor.

Burly Hank gently placed a wooden whale-tail necklace around the boy's neck, and upon the giant LCD screen lay a group shot of all the characters in our tale:







In case you missed the entire point, it's that DREAMS CAN COME TRUE.


After the laying-down-of-the-dream, our hero Hank did a short dance routine with his best friend, Shamu. I'll let you see for yourself:





And that, my friends, is the definition of light pollution.

What is going on in these pictures? It looks like a little flirtatious skating to me... flaking, skirting, slirking, skate-f&cking, etc.

As a former (amateur) figure skater who quit before the age of 14, I had nightmares of this actually happening to me. My opinions of romance, with boys, were generally negative at the time. I'm not reticent to describe my thoughts on the opposite sex as "totally gross" until at least the age of 15.

There is something really vast and bare about an on-ice courting session. A skating rink is a public place. Your mom or older brother or science teacher could walk in at any time. There is no place to hide. And if you fall, you basically have to kill yourself before school on Monday.

Now the closest I have ever come to what Brandon Walsh is doing up there was the short period of time in which I took "skate-dance" lessons. For those not familiar with a skater's lexicon, this is basically ice dancing. My parents had to actually pay extra for these lessons, since there were so few male partners. (And yes, there was a rule somewhere that prohibited same-sex couples from skate-dancing.)

If someone had a gun pointed at my head and I HAD to list the pros and cons of skate-dancing, I would probably get all flustered and mix things up, and eventually die, so let's straighten out that list right now:

PROS:
- low level of difficulty
- usually, one never falls down
- no silly, humiliating jumps or spins
- Torville & Dean made it cool for 5 minutes
- upon exiting the sport, you can go on tours such as "Skate with the Smurfs!" or "Superstars on Ice!" (yes, this has mysteriously become an acceptable line of work)

CONS:
- it's not roller skating. There is no roll-bounce.
- it will never be cool (see above)
- you COULD fall, under the right circumstances
- pre-2004 (approximately), there were no words in figure skating music. This means skate-dance music consisted of songs with titles such as The 14-Step, The Swing, The Waltz (?), The Cold Tango and many more
- you had to touch a boy for extended periods of time
- you have to pay to touch a boy for extended periods of time
- silly and humiliating choreography (or 'pizazz periods' as some coaches liked to refer to them as)

"Hey guys. Remember me? Star of popular movies such as Demolition University, Busted, Fever Lake, and Without Malice? What? You don't remember these? It's probably because I filed for bankruptcy in 1997, so these titles were "STD"! [straight to DVD] I don't actually have an STD. hah-hah! Wouldn't that be funny. May as well have one; my life sucks. Hey wait, did you see my poster? I am going to rip the entertainment industry a new one. Literally, a 'new' one. Did you see Lucas? That was cool. Holy cow, Charlie Sheen is cool. And Winona Ryder. So cool. It was pretty cool that I got to work with them at such a young age. Winona gave me my first joint, then Charlie worked me up to bumps of coke, then well, you know what happened after that! By the way drugs aren't cool I had a stroke. So will you hire me? HAVE YOU EVEN HEARD OF LOST BOYS PART II?"

Exposing the truth of Beverly Hills, 90210:

For the second season of 90210, the kids were supposed to be in grade 11, about 16-17 years old. Here's the "real" story:

Brandon was 22, Steve was 27, and Dylan was 26. Andrea was 30. The other kids were actually more close to being teenagers: Donna was 18; Kelly and David were both 19.

Was there a shortage of actual teenage actors in 1991? I remember thinking, before I knew their real ages, that once I turned 16 I would immediately have giant wrinkles across my forehead (a la Mr. Perry), and have completely scary laugh lines (thank you Mr. Priestly). My perception of aging was so afoul that I actually figured the Golden Girls were in their early 40's.

Okay, now I must immediately "expose the truth of the Golden Girls."

I am going to squelch some major misconceptions here, so don't be alarmed, and don't give me any of this:


In 1985, when the Golden Girls first premiered, Rue McClanahan was a tasty 51 years young. Estelle Getty was 62, and Betty White and Bea Arthur were both a delicious 63 years old.