I am a sweater.

The past few days in Toronto have been exceptionally, grotesquely hot, and I have been sweating profusely because of it. The truth is, I sweat all the time, regardless of the temperature, season, or occasion. I cannot simply shut whatever mechanism it is that controls sweating to the OFF position. My face is constantly glistening; my upper lip - moist, all the time. These past few days have been ridiculously difficult, having to do with 1) the 47 degree celcius temperature every day and 2) the fact that I am taking some serious pharmaceuticals (legal and prescribed, thank you very much). Both factors have combined to provide me with a force of terror every morning. I cannot get dressed until *immediately* before leaving the house. Otherwise the sweating process will begin early.

Let me describe the nature of my sweat. It is almost always localized in the face and neck region, but I have been known to be a back sweater as well. When I wear a knapsack, you can tell. And you don 't even having to be a fucking psychic.

When I leave the house, my hair is usually bone-dry. By the time I get on the streetcar, my bangs are usually wet. By the time I reach work, depending on the temperature and humidity and wind velocity, my entire head is wet. When I reach my destination, if a public bathroom hand dryer is not conveniently available to dry this wet heap off (and it is a joyous, but infrequent occasion when this occurs) I usually comb everything out and pull it back into a ponytail. On my better days I resemble Katarina Witt after her '88 Olympic win; on a bad day, Tara Reid after a good old fashioned Monday night.

Here are a list of things I bring with me, everywhere, to help combat these effects: Comb, talcum powder, extra makeup, dry paper towels, regular towel, hair elastic. I always bring something with me to wipe my face with, although, I have received 'awkward' looks when wiping my glistening forehead off on the air-conditioned subway. Why do I not receive those same looks while on the treadmill at the gym? Why is it simply okay to sweat profusely in certain places and not others? I'm not really inconveniencing anyone by sweating all the time, am I? I have feelings too. We sweaters have been plagued with ridicule for far too long. No, I am not a beasty, ugly, hairy, lazy woman. Even Weezer hates me - if you want to destroy my sweater - do I smell an ex-girlfriend with a sweating problem? Aren't we 'sweaters' plagued enough by invisible backpacks, wet hair, pit stains, and just plain uncomfortableness all the time?