HATCHER CROTCH MAY CURE EMPHYSEMA, OTHER AILMENTS

Scientists have recently discovered a possible link between the rate of recovery in emphysema patients with viewing frequency of the popular 1989 movie "Tango and Cash." The specific scene in the study, where Terri Hatcher picks up a set of drumsticks and plays the electronic drums while wearing an extremely high-waisted bodysuit thong, has proven to have a beneficial effect for a variety of ailments. Everything from acne to zolarisis has shown some degree of improvement with regular viewing.

In this preliminary stage of research, scientists are unable to pinpoint the exact correlation between spandex and lung disease, however, an explanation will be forthcoming. Many outside the scientific community believe there to be a religious connotation with Ms. Hatcher's big hair and thriving pelvis; however, others in the Church are skeptical.