Diamonds are Forever


Ewww. I just returned from 12 days in Yellowknife, a place where generally, there are no crowds, and you aren't forced to slalom through 25 senior citizens just to cross the street. I am having trouble re-adjusting to the simple task of walking in Toronto. It is gross. I have a foot injury, so while I may appear dexterous, it is actually quite difficult for me to move out of the way of speeding wheelchairs.

This morning I was in a pissy, hungry mood so I took a stroll to the grocery store down the street. Upon entering, I immediately became even angrier over having to actually make a decision in that irritable state. I have since diagnosed myself with "IBS", or Irritable Brain Syndrome. I decided that, instead of carefully choosing food items with which to plan a nutritious meal, I would grab my top 3 favourite food items: Green Energy Smoothie Drink, Crispy Mini's - sour cream 'n chive flavoured, and turkey bacon. I was happy, for a moment, until I reached the checkout counter.

There are 3 cash registers in the local grocery store. Today there were only 2 cashiers. There were 10 people ahead of me in line. In fact, the line up was so long I was actually still standing in the deli section, where I found my turkey bacon.

Still in the pissiest mood ever, I decided to eavesdrop. The woman ahead of me was talking to the man in front of her. Or rather, he was talking AT her, in the most wonderful Dutch accent. He was babbling about "old life" when there were no cars, or something like that. I wasn't really listening at this point.

Finally, a third cashier came out, and the line began moving. Goldmember and I reached our cashiers at the same time. He asked, "How are you doing today?" She replied, "Okay." He said, "Why are you not doing wonderful?"

She replied, without a hint of sarcasm or irony, "I would be wonderful if a stream of tiny diamonds were flowing over my body."

He replied, "Well, now we all have something to dream about."

Now, I don't have a problem with "positive people" per se, but I do have a problem with happy diamond lady. She is one of those people who says, "Have a beautiful day!" She says it really slowly while handing back your change, while looking you in the eye, to let you know she really means it. Okay, it might be wonderful to maybe OWN a diamond, so that you could wear it or just look at it once in awhile. But a DIAMOND SHOWER? I don't understand. I think I need to investigate Diamond Lady. I am going to start a mini-conversation the next time I am in there, and attempt to extract as much cheesy, uber-positive rhetoric as is humanly possible in a 5 minute visit.

I may need disguises for this one....